Monday, March 14, 2011

On Tattoos on the Butt (Or Not)

Story #1:
I am pretty much a pro when it comes to getting dressed in a public locker room. I can change my bra, underwear, shirt, pants, you name it... without anyone seeing a MILLIMETER of my private areas. I have years of gym class and sharing a teeny dorm room with a roommate to thank for this skill. I do wish everyone had my skill. I take issue with other ladies who feel the need to stand naked, hold a conversation, and slowly get dressed.

This afternoon in the locker room, Anderson Cooper was on CNN showing live footage of the horrible aftermath of the earthquake in Japan. I paused (before I got dressed) and watched the screen in sadness and disbelief. The woman next to me (no pants on, but wearing thong undies) says "It's so tragic. I can't stop watching the news." I agreed with a nod, but kept my eyes on the tv because she was pant less and that is awkward. She was middle aged. She looked like a mom with high school aged kids. I have seen her in the locker room many times before and she always says hi. I don't know her name, but she looks like a "Kathy" to me.

With my perfect timing, "Kathy" turned around to bend down to her locker RIGHT as I turned over to say something to her about the tsunami damage and BOOM. That's when I saw it. And unfortunately I can't unsee what I saw. She had a skull and crossbones tattooed onto her rear. I think my jaw dropped. I think I stared longer than the appropriate amount of time. I think everything that I ever thought about "Kathy" was wrong.

"Kathy" seriously has a tattoo on her butt? Of a skull and cross bones? It must have been a drunken night in the 70s. The 70s were a weird time, so I've heard. She probably totally regrets it. I doubt her kids know. Her husband definitely knows. I bet sometimes they laugh about it, but she probably often forgets it's there until he reminds her. She probably thinks, "thank goodness I was smart enough to get the tattoo on my ass and not my arm." Oh, "Kathy," we have all done dumb things in our younger years. Unfortunately for the both of us, I just saw proof of your poor, alcohol influenced decision.

Story #2:
The other day I was at a pizza bar with a group of friends. Just to be funny, I told my friend that I had a tattoo. He looked back at me in total disbelief. He knows I am a germaphobe, rule follower, goody goody girl. He didn't put it past a girl like me to have a tattoo. He has even seen me in a bikini so I knew his mind was racing as to WHERE could this tattoo be?! He said "No you don't!" I said "Yeah I do!" while laughing. Right before I was about to say, "I'm just kidding!" my friend Gina says:

Gina: Jenna, I know.

Jenna: You know what?

Gina: I know about the tattoo.

Jenna: What tattoo? I was kidding! I don't have a tattoo! Would I ever get a tattoo? You know I pass out when I get needles!

Gina: I know you have one! It's on your ass. A skull and cross bones. Nick already told me.

(Nick was sitting a ways down the table)

Jenna: UMMM WHAT! You KNOW I would never EVER get a tattoo! Especially on my butt! Why would Nick tell you that?

Gina: (totally confused and horrified looked on her face, screams for Nick down the table) NICK!!! You told me Jenna has a tattoo of a skull and cross bones on her ass!

Thanks, Gina for yelling that in a restaurant.

Nick looked confused at first and then looked at Gina's fiance, Paul, and they both let out a huge roaring laugh. Gina and I were not laughing. We both wanted answers. My dignity, butt, and image were at stake. Nick and Paul finally explained that one night while Nick was hanging out with Paul (I was at home) they both thought it would be funny to convince Gina that I had gotten a tattoo of a skull and cross bones on my bum while I went through a few "bad girl" years back in high school. Initially she did not believe a word they said because Gina knows me like a book and knows that I would never do such a thing. Apparently, the boys were so convincing that her only choice was to believe them. Even after Nick left, Gina kept repeating to Paul "My whole life has been a lie. I can't believe I never know she had a tattoo of a skull and cross bones on her ass. I don't even know her anymore!" Gina chalked it up to being something I did when I was young and stupid, and unfortunately for the two of us, for the next 6 weeks her image of me had changed and my reputation had been tarnished... by my own fiance.

Highlight the text after the star to reveal which story is true * The true story is story number two. Yes, it is true that Nick told a gigantic lie to one of my bffs about a nonexistent tattoo on my booty of a skull and crossbones. Thanks, Nick. Poor Gina went 6 weeks thinking I was a hardcore badass girl. She decided not to confront me about it because she thought if I hadn't brought it up to her by now that I probably didn't want her to know about it. Luckily for everyone, I do not have a tattoo of anything anywhere. Nor, have I ever seen a middle aged woman with a tattoo on her tushy while getting dressed in the gym. Everybody wins.

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