Thursday, February 3, 2011

On Other People Buying Me Underwear

Story #1
My fiance and I are going on a ski trip next weekend with a big group of friends during Valentine's Day. We thought it would be fun to plan ahead and decided to celebrate Valentine's Day this weekend instead of next weekend. Sweet fiance went to the mall tonight to get me a gift. We were planning on exchanging gifts tomorrow night after we went to a nice dinner but I just CAN'T HANDLE waiting to open gifts. I convinced fiance to exchange gifts with me tonight. Sneaky.

He agreed. He left the room and came back in with a Victoria's Secret bag! Already I love my gift. Anything from Victoria's Secret is a perfect Valentine's Day gift. The bag was little (Ooo! It must be undergarments! He is so brave to buy me undergarments from Vickies!) I couldn't stop smiling and slowly opened the bag. I reached in and pulled out a small box wrapped in pink tissue paper. (Hmm. Undergarments in a small box?) Before unwrapping the tissue paper, I reached in the bag and felt around to see if anything else was lingering behind. Alas, there was only pink tissue paper in the bag. So I unwraped the box and it was... a Nike ipod sport kit. (Umm ok, this is definitely not from Vickies). Our conversation went something like this:

Me: hahaha... Thanks! I know I need to start tracking my runs!

Fiance: Yeah... they are so cool. You can track how fast you're going and your progress through the next few months. It's sweet.

Me: Thanks! You're so creative with your gifts.

Fiance: Yeah I thought you would like it since you started running routinely.

Me: So where did you get this Victoria's Secret bag?

Fiance: From the closet with the other bags.

(I keep some shopping bags in the closet in case I need not return stuff or need a quick gift bag.)

Me: Haha (awkward laugh) I thought you got me something from Victoria's Secret for Valentine's day for a minute and I thought that is so brave of you!

Fiance: Well that was my first plan. I walked into Victoria's Secret first and told the sale's lady (Wendy) that I wanted to get you a Valentine's Gift. Wendy then started asking me your measurements and sizes and stuff and I started sweating. Wendy and I decided to get you some underwear but then I decided that buying underwear for you is a lose lose situation.

Me: WHY?!

Fiance: Because if I get you a size too small then you will be mad that you don't fit in it and feel fat. And if I get a size too big you will be mad and say to me "YOU THINK I AM A SIZE _ _!!! YOU KNOW I AM SMALLER THAN THAT!"

Me: I don't think I would say that.

Fiance: So then Wendy asked me your bra size and I told her I had no idea. She told me to guess and I said I really have no idea because bra sizes are like battery sizes. Then Wendy pointed at her own boobs and said "Is she smaller than me?" At that point I acted like I got an important text that I needed to take care of and PEACED OUT and went to Sport's Authority.

Story #2:
My mom is amazing and is always thinking of me when she gets coupons... ESPECIALLY with Victoria's Secret coupons. She calls me all the time and tells me she has a "Free Panty" coupon and that she got me some undies and sends them to me in the mail! But it doesn't only end with underwear, she also sends me coupons for cleaning supplies, Macy's, Ann Taylor Loft, etc. But underwear coupons are the best.

She is so sweet to always think of me and send me underwear. Normally Victoria's Secret only gives you the choice of black, beige, or white undies because ya know... they're free. But every now and then the free panty included a pair of colorful or SCANDALOUS underwear. One time in college she sent me a pair of green underwear. I unwrapped the undies and when I held them up I realized that they were see through. Yes, my momma sent me some sheer see through green undies! I called my mom to thank her and giggled and told her they were completely sheer. She laughed hard and said "REALLY! I didn't even look at them closely. I just saw that they were your size so I grabbed them." I remember my roommate got a kick out of the fact that my mom sent me sheer undies.

So last week my mom topped the sheer undies and told me she had a free panty coupon and she went to the mall and said she bought me an orange thong. She then told me that it was a "one size fit all" thong. I said WHAT how is that even possible? She said she didn't know and that it looked huge and didn't think it would fit me at all but it was free and she will send it anyway. I pondered how could underwear possibly be one size fit all? Ever? Women come in all shapes and I can't imagine Queen Latifa fitting in the same size thong as Dakota Fanning. How is this even legal? I was intrigued.

I forgot that my mom was sending me the undies until I got a little package in the mail today. I opened it up and unwrapped the bright orange thong. I held it up and IT. WAS. HUGE. I looked at the tag to see if my mom maybe read it wrong, but indeed it said "One Size." I was so perplexed by this so I had to try it on immediately.

Let me tell you folks. In case you were wondering, the thong kind of fit me!!! They are a little big in places but definitely wearable. I investigated the thong further to figure out how Victoria's Secret could be so innovative and GENIUS. I discovered that the thong is made of a much looser elastic than normal underwear so that it can stretch easily if necessary.

So my findings are that there IS such thing as one size fit all thongs. Thanks, Mom!

Highlight the text after the star to reveal which story is true * The true story is story number 2. My mom introduced me to the world of one size fits all thongs. Also, my fiance is super brave and I don't think he is scared to go into Victoria's Secret.

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